Sunday, March 22, 2009
Ilyse is turning 1 yr old. I am doing the planning and organizing. Just roping and making sure he does something. If I don't, I doubt he will even bother to decide on ANYTHING.Everything seems very cordial. Everything he does is getting on my nerves. He don't understand it. I had warn him before that once I give up...it's very hard for anything to change. He doesn't understand it! Now I am just "suffering". We r 2 persons on friendly/non-friendly terms. That's it. I hope he understands that he cannot expect anything more than that. My heart has closed on him already. I plan for the sake of planning. Go holidays cos I need to go away (cos he doesn't let me go alone with friends). It's NOT because I want to go with him. Doesn't he understand that? Going with him means I have to plan it so that he can enjoy it too. It's irritating. Yes, I am abit stress at work. Catching up with stuff. Now I am obsess with Friendstock. Which isn't a good thing cos you end up spending ur time playing rather than doing something useful.Nowadays I feel so lazy to tuition. I keep trying to have at least 3 lessons a month with my students. Just to have that $250 for spare cash? Not much. But I don't seem to have that much energy left. Just plain tired. Tired of these 4 walls I face everyday. Tired of facing him. Sometimes I can go home early, but then what's the bloody point. I go home early...I face 4 walls. If go out, means spend money. Argh..nothing is every right. *sobz*I need an escape. Escape from ever freaking person and thing in this world. I see my daughter, I feel happy. But taking care of her...I am incapable of. Getting someone to care for her, I am capable of. Self centred, self absorb, self reliance, etc...part of it is because of him that made me the way I am. I hate myself sometimes. I sinned too much in my life...I feel that anytime if god really wants to take me...just take me. Less worries, less burden. My kids will be fine. They are young, they aren't bothered...cos he doesn't bother to show them my existence. I showed them he exist that's why now they are bothered. Everything I will say, go ask him, and they will. So they know!Sick Sick of everything in this world...except my daughter. Bias...yes...cos she isn't polluted as yet.
Thots of the DAY @
2:47 PM
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I know it's pretty obsessive to play friendstock everyday but I got to know 3 persons. 1 which is super nice and well, he is a great guy.Imagine how sweet he is...I had to go to the 2nd office on the 2nd half of the day. He asked me out for lunch to collect a set of CDs which I manage to find and asked if he could give me a lift if possible...if not, we can't meet for lunch. All he said was sure. And he really did send me. Totally appreciate it and he made my day.Not many people have been making me happy these days. Or more like NOT many people are able to make me happy. Showing a happy face doesn't mean I am happy...it's sometimes a cover up.He talked to me and advise me on alot of things which I figure he is right...it's just me finding excuses not to take the steps to do it. Half destroying myself in the mean time. I hurt, I try to burden myself too muc...yes, he is right...what i doing is not "wei da"...but just prolonging my own pain. He is right...but I can't do much now but Lun. Whose sake, definately not mine. Maybe depression might set in. Maybe not. I must believe I am strong not to fall into it. Too many people will suffer but then again, if I do fall into depression, maybe he will wake up and understand my sufferings.
Thots of the DAY @
8:37 AM
