Sunday, December 30, 2007

New Year is coming. Any resolutions? Many...

List
1) Be a good mummy (i.e. beat kids less, spend more time with them)
2) Save more money (but spend when necessary)
3) Be more generous (relates abit to point no. 2)
4) Slim down and tone tummy once baby is born
5) Love myself more
6) etc

The list can go on and on and on...we can say what we want but whether we can do it is another thing. One thing I am gonna NOT try to do is be a better wife. I think I am good enough and if R thinks I ain't...then BE IT. I have done sufficient. I think he should try to be a better husband instead. Learn to love his wife!!!! Someone pls. highlight that to HIM!

R & I are like so-so. It was getting better for about few days until all problems restarted again. He seem to have forgotten what I told him. It's like I never cried or said anything. I really feel like giving up in everything. Really feel like I need my own place (u know the feeling?). I wanna get my curtains up asap. So that if I need to MOVE OUT just for that few days, I can do so. I know it sounds bad, but I really just need some space where I can take leave for a few days and maybe be ALONE. I really dunno. Maybe the distance will help make us (either one of us) realise whether we really need each other or not. (by the way, I ain't tearing...just emotionless now)

Ya ya..all other people will probably say...kids will suffer. But if u look the other way, if two persons forcefully stay with each other and fight all the time, does it help? Women are the ones that are on the losing end. I totally agree. I fight and argue BUT try NEVER in front of my kids. So my kids doesn't know that we are fighting or arguing. i1 is sorta more sensitive and he knows if we are...so far he doesn't. Neither does i2. I dun intend to let either know. Although most likely if anything happens, I will be the one at fault...so be it. I know I will be the one that they will hate in future cos R doesn't bother to let them know any truth...same with his parents. I take all the blame...he is never wrong. I dun know WHY it is so difficult. Argh.........

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Last night, alot of tears flow. Made me realise something important. Dunno if it make sense but I feel that God gave me this little girl to keep my marriage from falling apart. (pls. note that I am a catholic or christian or etc...but I do believe there is a GOD up there watching over us)

I made that known to R. I told him that we are 2 very different people, people who have different wants, different directions, etc. Tears just didn't stop flowing...it only stopped when I go so tired (after abt 3-4hrs)...I didn't talk much until the tears stop flowing.R held me but I felt so numb. Numb over tots...questions...realizations...dunno what else. But just so numb that if any1 had a gun to shoot me at that moment, I would have just let it be. Told R that I also dunno if I even loved him at all. But the biggest realization was the baby's meaning. I really dunno it's tearing us more apart or bringing us together..but I believe that it might be bring us further apart. I dunno how long more I can take this marriage (I told him that)...I just dun have the strength to even try...physically & mentally very drained.

Frens who know me, see me as happy, in control...Yes, I project that image but deep down I am just as troubled as everyone else. I envy happy couples (I know each couple have their own problems). I can't possibly blame the pregnancy hormones for this cos I know it's something that has been in my mind long before but I can blame pregnancy hormones for more of the tears flowing.

Anyway, things was much better in the morning. He let me sleep...he didn't wake me up until much later after 9.20am (although I did wake up at around 6.30am and went on and off sleep). We went out to get pressies for my niece, his uncle & aunty who will be staying with us till after new yr, for i2's school gift exchange, etc. Afternoon was rest time. Night was bbq (in rainy weather) at my classmate's condo. (So far, we haven't bitten each other's head off yet..i.e. argued) i1 got injured but he isn't hurting anymore. i2 is having a fever from playing in the rain. Both had loads of sweets! However, considerably both were quite good boys. We left early..the rest of the people are still there. (FYI: R is "screaming" at i2...dunno what he is doing!)

Anyway, time to sleep again. Pimples are popping. Gonna look like a dead fish in the morning. Can't wait for Xmas for our LCD TV!

Oh...we bought a Sony 32" LCD TV at a rather good price. Model: KLV32V300AL. It's blue in colour. I manage to source for a Best Denki voucher at 10% discount. The retail price of the TV was $1999. Was on discount at $1399. But the sales person gave an extra discount to $1350 (but with the Best Denki voucher, we actually paid only $1215!). Freebies include: $200 choice vouchers, free installation, free wall mounting, free delivery, free brackets, 5 yrs warranty! Other additionals we got was free $200 sony ericsson vouchers and a free camel bag. <-- grin. Good deal! My frens and relatives can't stand me...that I can be bothered to source for vouchers and all JUST to buy cheaper. But to me why not? It saves us money...or technically in this case, my in-law's money (they promised to buy us the TV!)...and we weren't in urgent need of it. Okay I better stop rattling. Said too much. But I am surprise at one thing, I ain't tearing when I typed the above, which is abit abnormal as I normally will..maybe its the numbness I feel now.

Monday, December 17, 2007

It's official...the scan today confirms that it's a baby girl. I am very happy. Shared the news with family members, got quite a few congrates back from them. =)

We got names picked out but not too sure which spelling we should go ahead with. Now it's "Ilyse" or "Ilyz" or "Ilyze". Sigh...I like the one with the "z", shows a distinct difference from the norm. Dunno yet..will think about it for the time being.

i2's parents-teacher review today. The teachers doesn't have anything really bad to say about him cos he is generally quite a "good" boy just up to alot of mischieve. His chinese teacher, Miss Zhang said that he needs to be occupied with things if not, he will be bored. She cited 1 example. There was once, she thought that he was doing his stuff but apparently he finished. So when she turned her head away just for few minutes and turn back. There he was...on the GRILLS! Can telling the teacher that he can see "CARS"! The teacher said she got a shock. We told her, it's a norm cos at home, he loves to climb the house grills. *giggles!*

Anyway, today he was a good boy. Very good infact. Didn't throw and tantrum at all! Surprising.

Oh, we won tickets to watch National Treasure 2. Gonna watch tomorrow. Actually won tickets to watch "Breath" today but R said boring show, so we gave it away.

And another thing we are contemplating is a LCD TV now. Cost around $1299 + FOC $200 (robinson vouchers - good to buy baby clothes) and a portable DVD player costing around $219 (7 inch) or $269 (8.5 inch + free TV tuner). Actually I think it's a good buy...so should we just take the plunge and buy ourselves good chrismassy pressies? What do u think?

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Went for my usual checkup on Sat and the gyne normally arrived around 1.40pm. Apparently I was "late", had to wait pretty long. I was abit flustered because of 2 reasons:

1) Was sick for sometime...and was eating alot of medication. Have since stopped but still abit sick
2) i2's performance started at 1.30pm!

Anyway, R called and told me that the performance was around 2pm+. So...as time creep pass, I panick more. Anyway, I did go in around 2pm. Doc was funny. He started speaking Mandarin to me, I purposely replied in English all the way. He con't and I finally asked if he was practising is Mandarin. LOL.

He did a scan (the normal kind). Baby was moving alot (and moving alot these few days...I think the cough mixture has really left it's system!), happily butting and bumming it's way around. Doc was trying his best to see as baby showed it's BUTT at us! It's was really funny. He did mention that baby is 90% girl bit he WARN not to go shopping yet. We can probably confirm it by the 17th during the detail checkup...which is another 8 more days. Count down here I come!

Other than that, I weigh 48.5kg (at the clinic...but 49.3kg at home) and baby is 13.1cm long now. =)

After that, it was a huge rush. Took a cab (scolded R, cos he told me to go to the "drop-off" corner where he had dropped me off earlier to catch a cab. But that's was NOT the taxi stand...it was way over the other side). Got a cab, rushed to the performance. Ain't I lucky, I reached there 2mins before I2's performance. I was emotional (unlike with I1), he performed really well...much better than the kor kor. I shed some tears...maybe it's the pregnancy hormones. We left right after his performance and brought them home. We didn't even stay for the food....though I was hungry.

Met my parents after that. Bought curtain cloth. Happy. The total buy cost us...eh...$24 + $83 = $107 (we decided no point to put up ANY curtains for Bedroom 3 since we are "closing" it). Oh and we went to buy the curtain rods and stuff today (total bill was around $54).

Other than that, we bought some beef rendang from Joo Chiat to Braddell Rd. It was nice. J was avoiding me...I guess after the incident on the hp (not sure if I posted it here...but it's really FUNNY) but L and I clear about the situation. Not sure if J knows that L was trying to be "funny" with him on that incident. But then I think J is just avoiding just in case L gets jealous? Hahaha...I am still laughing over the matter. Mean ain't I?!?

Our stuff has all been moved over to our new place today (Sun). As we reached the carpark, I made the comment to R that I hope our neighbour won't be so "lucky" to be celebrating their house warming today. N boy was I right! It was very irritating that her relatives OR friends dun know how to "zhuo ren". The wife and husband were actually very nice. But the relatives made side comments as to "WHY we didn't tell them we moving in today?!" While some of the "children" hung their BAGS on our DOOR handles n even had a table right outside our house where some of the kids were playing the laptop. We were already telling them that the movers were downstairs and COMING UP now...and yet, they dun know how to "siam!" Sigh...anyway, we got our things moved in and off we went. That took us less than 20-30 mins. Oh..R forgot about the TV! I told him to put everything together and plan...he say no need. See see...I rely on him to plan anything, something will go wrong. Argh. Anyway, will move the TV there another day and get the curtains up at the sametime. Need to clean that place up, floor is dusty..and I am irritated!

Okay for now. Too much updates for the weekend. Got to work. Cheers!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Make a dash to the supermarket (NTUC) at 8pm and bought the rest of the items to make "Steam Moist Chocolate Cake" but in cupcakes format.

It actually was very simple to make. Tasted really good too...not praising myself...but the recipe was good. Except the fact that mine turn out to be like "hua kueh". Heehee. My older ds hated it...said "yucks!" cos it wasn't "sweet" enough...but it was for my liking. While R and younger ds loved it to bitzs.

Recipe for Steam Moist Chocolate Cake

375g canola oil **
1 1/2 cups raw golden sugar
1 can evaporated milk (Carnation Brand)
4 eggs,lightly beaten with a folk
2 cups plain flour ***
1 cup Dutch cocoa powder
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp vanilla extract


Method for making cake:
Combine sugar, evaporated milk,vanilla extract and oil in a saucepan. Stir over low heat until sugar is dissolved,off fire and keep warm.
Add the beaten eggs into the slightly cold evaporated milk mixture and stir till well mix.
Sift the flour,cocoa powder,baking powder and baking soda into a large mixing bowl then pour the eggs mixture over the flour and stir till well mix (cake batter should be runny).
Heat up the steamer.
Lined and greased a 9 inch baking pan or 2 9′inch sandwich pan.
Pour the batter into prepared pan and place the pans into the steamer and cover the top of the pan losely with a piece of aluminuim foil.
Steam over medium heat for 1 1/2 hour (45 mins for 1/2 recipe/ingredients).
Cool the cake in pan before turning out for further decoration.

**Pls. note: It's actually a cake recipe but I used ONLY half the recipe above and made about 10 cup cakes. Also it took me only 20 mins to do up the mixture and another 20 mins to steam it.

Have fun. I think there are alot of people using the same recipe.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

This picture was taken just after I gave R the cupcakes. Taken by his colleague, Dora. Thanks to her. The picture made me look very slim for a 5 mth preggy lady. HAHAHA. Actually I look far bigger than that. Thank god for the cuppies...they block my tummy. =P Not that I dun wanna show off my tummy...*grin*








That reminded me. This morning when I took the bus, an old lady wanted to give up her seat for me! While the rest of the passengers just ignore....weird how people are! Well, I just smsed Susan to order some brownies, I wonder besides brownies is there anything else she makes. Heehee...craving for cakes and chocolates. Oh oh...Prima Deli kena ordered to stop producing chocolate cakes! Cos of some bacteria that is transferable by humans to food. Over 100 case of food poisoning occured. Sad eh...





After lunch, I plotter my way to Central at Clarke Quay. Can't find the lift to the building so I asked the counter girl who was busy chatting with friends. Went up to the 4th floor, found the office but...it was empty from the outside...totally empty. Looking into the office, I saw 2 escalator at the end. Weird..tried the door...but couldn't pull it. End up, I called R and asked where his office. He told me all I had to do was to OPEN the door and go down the escalator! I tried a 2nd time...then manage to open. IT WAS HEAVY. Well, his colleagues said I was so sweet...took half day just to surprise him. Of course, he was grinning all the way...introduce me to his colleagues.

I sat at the reading/waiting area (it was huge) for a while (about 1-1.5hrs) reading my novel. In between his CEO came to talk to me (she is the half sister of Michelle Yeoh but don't look anywhere near like Michelle Yeoh except for the body structure...slim and longish face. She is simple looking lady...nice to talk to). Very easy going.

After that at 4.10pm, R came back says he got another meeting. So I went off to look for food. Was hungry. End up at Kopitiam eating "barley and ginkor nuts" and con't with my novel. Finished my novel at 5.55pm...so went to the loo. While walking there, R sms asked where I was. So I sms back "outside ur office...toilet". <-- Simple to understand right. He told me to wait there later. Which I did. End up...I waited for 5+ mins and he called and asked where was I. I said OUTSIDE UR OFFICE lor. He say huh...why i down there. End up he tot I was IN HIS OFFICE the toilet. *faint*. Told u liao...he dun read SMS. It was locked...so i took escalator down and met him downstairs instead. STUPID HOR. We walked all the way from Central to NEIL ROAD. After walking half way, then R realise he tot it was near CHINATOWN MRT. I *fainted*. I say I print out the map for him...say it's nearer to OUTRAM. Then he say, if he knew...we talk train there then walk. *faint *faint *faint. Haiz...that's how "thoughtful" R is.

Anyway, we finally got to the place...just nice our friends came. So we started ordering.

Restaurant: Himawari Japanese Restaurant (114 Neil Road)
We ate (mind u...I can't remember dish names...so bear with me):
- Shabu Shabu (good)
- Mixed Sashimi (dh and fren say it was good and fresh)
- Mixed Tempura (good..flour light but good)
- Teriyaki Cod fish (good)
- Grilled beef (good)
- Fried sotong (good...crispy)
- Hot plate with pork (good)
- Grilled Salmon (so-so)
- Chicken Wings (good)
- Potato Cro (can't sp...nvr try but I think good)
- The pea (1st time try..loved it!)
- Garlic rice (abit wet...so-so)
- Fried Oysters (didn't eat...but dh say good)
- Soft shell crab (good)
- Maki (looks big..didn't try but dh & frens say it was good)
- Salmon + rice (dh say good) -
eh...can't remember what else. A

fter a filling dinner, we had some ice-cream. It was nice. Then took my frens car and went Marina for the show. Show "The Heartbreak Kid", starring Ben Stiller. Critics said the show was BAD. But it isn't that bad...one thing it was funny. It's was a good enough show to end the day with some laughter. After that, my friends sent us home. My left thigh hurt again. I think because of the walking I did. But it's okay. Overall I enjoyed my day.

Total bill $110.65:
Cuppies - $24
Food - $86.65
Movie - FOC Quite good deal. =)

What I got in return, some grinning and nothing. =( Was disappointed but tried to keep my spirits up.

Monday, December 3, 2007

This is Our Sofa (3 + 2 seater - $299 + 5% gst) & Coffee table ($99 + 5% gst).

This is our Dining table and 4 chairs ($299 + 5% gst).

Simple looking hor?

The rest of the stuff are hand me downs, probably will be moved in within this month. FIL good enough to sponsor $3.2k of our reno and a new TV for our room (so the old one will be moved here). Another thing I will be moving is the OVEN...so I can come over here to bake first. Can't bake at home...that's another story.

So that's about it for the time being.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Last night...hate to admit it...but I cried. I finally cried...maybe I really needed. I gave in...gave in to the need to let R know how I was feeling. I just couldn't take it anymore. The pain...the anguish...the needs...the wants...

These are the sms (word for word, including the short-cuts and spacings) I wrote (read if you must but keep them to yourselves) and those with "=>" are the replies that I got from R, call me silly or stupid or whatever...it's easier for me to type out what I feel, then say them out in midst of crying.

1) 4 e past few wks I dun understand y u treat me so cold. Unless I ask 4 a hug or 4 u 2 touch me then u bother. I ned sm1 2 love, care,hug,show affectn.

2) Feel tat u r keepg alot of tings frm me. I dun knw wat's wrng.Feel tat our marriage is dead. Ur life is wk, kids, comp n dun knw wat else but I ain't in it.

3) U hav been distancg urself frm me. I reali ned a husb tat wil lie beside me, keep me warm, giv me comfort n tel me tat tings wil b fine. Sm1 tat shw affectn.

4) It is hard 4 me 2 nt hav any affectn...no hugs, no kisses, no touches, etc. It's really hard. I hate 2 always b e 1 2 ask 4 these tings. Hate it. U understand?

=> Yes I understand. But u r not helping by ur lack of disciplinary actions with ian. Its making me frastrated that when i smack him u complain.

5) Nt talkg abt Ian nw. Talkh abt US. Tings r nt even right abt us. As 4 e kids, I m tryg 2 move away frm beatg. I m sori if i complain juz nw, it juz cm out.

6) Nw i dun even knw if u love me or feel anyting at all. Imagine i try walkg in frnt of u naked, there isn't any reactn! Dress nice, nthg also. Baby also nthg.

=> Yes. I still love u. That u can be assured of.

7) Even juz nw Ian fall on my leg, u also dun care abt me. I m human n nt a robot. I ned sm1 2 bother abt me.Attent on me!Nt always on urself or others. Understd?

=> I was pissed with u just now. I wanted to see what u wld do with ian so i didn't react.

8) But if ur loved 1 is injured, u wil stil go n c. My thigh n back pain i kept n try 2 cure myself until i can't tahan. But yet i ask u rub it is like a chore.

9) Most pain n aches in tis pregnancy i hav been tryg 2 cure myself. It's worse tis time ard but w ur kind of reactn, i dun wish 2 tel u in case u tink i complain.

There isn't much more after that cos my battery got low and the kids came up to sleep. Went to the study and kept my hands busy by clearing all our letters, R came to hug me from behind but at that moment my tears already stopped (I dried them before the kids came up), my heart numb, I couldn't feel...couldn't feel anything. After a while, he went to settle the kids...I left the room...went to the comp to clear my warbook stuff. Wanted to type on the blog but didn't have the "energy" to do so...shut down the PC and went back to the room. Kids was still awake and arguing. I lay down in bed. R asked if I wanted to sleep in the other direction (due to the fact i1 was sleeping with us and blocking my access down frm the bed, so the other direction was easier as I could get up in the middle of the night to pee). I just shook my head and lay down. Then after the lights went off, R lay down beside me...holding me...rubbing tummy...rubbing baby. Then he remembered, he asked if I put the yoko on yet. After he put the yoko, he massaged me leg...exhausted...I fell alseep.

That's what happened last night.

As for today's story, our furniture is in! Our sofa! Our dining table! Our coffee table! Happy. Made the decision that we probably rent out place out after CNY. Will probably celebrate i2's birthday cum house warming at our new place. I LOVE our sofa...our dining table. It cost us $750 only for a 3 + 2 seater "fake" leather sofa, dining tables + 4 chairs and a coffee table. Call me cheapo but the "goods" look more ex than that. I'm happy!

Another thing that made me happy n well, sad...I felt baby move! It MOVED. Moved not once, not twice but a few times. As R turned over from his sleep, I let him feel it, it moved again. All R did was a grunt and turn around and slept. Sigh....hope u understand what I feel.

Things in life are never smooth sailing, that I guarantee. But there is only so much 1 person can do to make things better. Even the person gets tired and need a break. I admire how some are always so tireless in helping others...I can never be them...admittedly I can be weak...mentally and physically. Frens who know me, see it differently...maybe I protray it differently but no matter what I can be weak.

Jay's philsophy

Each of us are brought to this world for some reason, though now most of us have yet to figure out what it can be! Some of us have tough challenges (more bad times), just think of it that the person "up there" is thinking highly of you. Just remember good times will always come after bad times. That's how I try to keep sane.

The One & ONLI

Jay's profile

Location: Singapore
Age: Unknown

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