Sunday, August 17, 2008
Do I have the right to be hopping mad? What would you have felt or done if you were me and these things happened?
On Friday night at 9.50pm I found out we won a pair of tickets to watch Wall.E. It's a show that I really wanted to watch but then again R said we could not go because of the timing. So fine, decide to give it away to fren and family. Finally found my niece who said okay, so I got her to tell her dad to pick up my IC from me that night or next morning so she can collect the tickets on Sat to watch. Waited the whole night, he didn't call so I called and sms...but no reply. Was already pissed. So I had to get up early on Sat and drive to their place to pass her my IC. Like as if I was god damn free!
I had tuition at 10am for 1.5hrs, so it was like a rush for me. After tuition at 11.30am, R picked me up so that we can go for lunch with my God-parents and parents. I2 wasn't feeling so good but still R let him have ice-cream. After lunch, invited them over to our place to have a look (cos the house has been sold, if they dun look at it once, they will probably never get a chance to see it again). So they came over, after which we proceeded to my Uncle's place (which is actually my Godparents' place). I haven't seen my Uncle for almost 4 yrs and that includes my own cousin for 4 yrs! R just wanted to stay home and sleep. That was fine with me. So I followed them to my Uncle's place.
I love the flat's view. It was gorgous. Also I realise my Uncle has grown so thin. But it was good to have a family gathering with my relatives and have some time with my Godma. (She comes back from Japan once a year during Aug). At 4.30pm, I smsed R and told him I will go to his Aunty's place myself. At 5.30pm, he can sms back (i.e. means he just woke up!) telling me why dun I go home first. All I can sms back was that, I was with family! I just dun understand why he can't understand that I need time with my own family! Every chinese new year 2nd day, my parents have an open house where all my relatives gather there. But at the same time, my in-laws also have an open house at home. However, we would go over to my parents place for dinner. But by 1pm+, R will try to hurry us to leave telling me that the kids must sleep, etc. I was like...WTF. I dun even see my relatives once a year (they normally arrive late). The reason he wants us home is COS, he wants to go gamble or/and sleep! Isn't that super selfish?!?!?! For 7 yrs, my relatives dun even see my kids...let alone my grandma. I see my grandma ONCE A YEAR!!!!!!!! While I see his relatives every week?
Nevermind that. I reached to my aunty's place and when I talk to R, he doesn't bother to look at me or even want to talk to me. Tell me, what sort of attitude is that? Ego?!?! Should he even have an EGO? What right does he have to show temper and attitude? But it continues. Evening I2 wasn't feeling well, so R says to bring him to the Doc. I said to leave all together. He said the maids hasn't eaten. I told him we can bring the maids home and they can cook themselves or buy back. BUT NO...he decide to bring I2 to the doc himself. Guess what happens after that? His aunty rattled at ME for not following! Saying I2 was important, blah blah (in Teochew which I understand but can't speak). I was damn bloody pissed off. Because I wanted to go but R didn't let me. And whose fault does it belong to? The wife gets scolding because of it! WTF!!!!! Then when I scolded R, he said that my son was more important blah blah. I also know he is IMPORTANT. That's why I wanted to all go home together then bring him to the doc together! Still he doesn't apologize for what he thinks he had done right? When his aunty called, he didn't even tell her what happened. Again, I am deem as the worse mummy in the world.
Yes I am still bloody "F" pissed. This is something I won't forgive easily. He always think his decision is RIGHT. When he is wrong, he doesn't apologize or even explain to anyone. Tell me..what right does he has to have his ego? In the eyes of his parents or his relatives, he is never wrong...but the wife is. I hate this kind of pressure and unfairness. This is one of the reason why I really feel like if we are seperated life would be less miserable. My tolerance level of injusts has a limit. Am already hitting my limit.
Promises made by him...always get dashed. Even the promise that he would spend some time during maternity didn't happen until I told him off. Then he "willingly" take leave to go for a holiday (which I had to plan and book) with me. Tell me, what has he done to show he really cares? His wife isn't as important as his kids and himself. Then why should I be around to help him manage every "F" thing? Why should I even chip in, in helping him with expenses? Maybe I should just tell him that I won't put a single cent into the joint a/c and let him handle all the expenses himself. The maid, the kids, our retirement. insurances...etc. He spends like water while I have to save like hell for retirement. Other people's wife goes for spa, manicure, good hair treatments, etc. What do I do? Nothing! People/frens are amaze that I spend less than $500 a month on myself. That includes food, transport, other misc expenses and our weekly lunch/dinner outings. Oh, the other thing, he doesn't give me a single cent for allowance. Not a cent and I dun ask for it. Dumb...it seems like it.
Am I the perfect mum or a good mum? I never think I am. I think I am okay but not a good or perfect mum. Like now, I am not with my kids, I am upstairs rattling my frustration because I need to let it out. I dun feel like going for his uncle's b'day tonight..but what choice do I have? To show disrespect? I dun mind his relatives but I only mind that I am always seem to the one in the wrong.
Am I wrong to feel pissed or mad? U tell me....
Thots of the DAY @
10:31 AM
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Damn. I have been sick for a week and 1 day. Been to the doc twice and well, this 2nd dosage of medication sorta help. Slept like a baby at night, so happy. But got a rude shock at 4am plus when R jerked and his leg slammed onto mine. Ouch! Got up and took my medication again and well, when I got out of the bathroom, R was snoring so loudly...but I still manage to sleep...take god for the medication. Been feeling abit down lately. Maybe hearing stories and other peoples' worries are getting to me. I guess it's human that each of us have our own needs but somehow its difficult to have our own needs settled (or solved) before we go about helping others. Sigh...that's life. I need to trim or tone my tummy area. It's getting abit to flabby. My weight is still around 45.6kg - 46.2kg. I can't seem to get it back to 44kg. I can't do crunches now because of my "condition" so I am stuck in trying to maintain a "healthy" diet, which I can't! cos I love eating crap. My voice sounds crappy as I lost my voice but can't stop talking. How am I suppose to recover like that?!?!?!1st day of work seems fine but seems like there is a load of things to learn. Well, it's alot. My boss is positioning me higher than the others but I do not seem to think I have the skill for it. There is another colleague of mine, she is new too. She too have 3 kids and well, she lives kinda nearby. Very nice lady, I think she can teach me alot. Both of us, internally we are managers...externally we are just specialist. Hahaha. But it's nice to know that I am finally up to the manager position (but weird cos I dun think I have the sufficient experience to be on this line). *grin* But it's a good boost on the moral. Have to work hard...work hard...work hard and prove to others that I am capable enough. Am I happy? I still wonder.
Thots of the DAY @
11:00 AM
