Sunday, October 28, 2007
Thanks for family and friends concern...I am actually better...dun think will hit depression for the time being but I think I gonna start with my heck care attitude with R. If he isn't bothered with me, I ain't gonna be bothered with him. If he wants me to help him do something, fine...I will go ahead and help. Other than that...he can live his own life for now and I will live MINE!Just need to rattle an incident that happened yesterday. I had planned to go out with Jo at 2pm at Orchard. Told R that I might not go to his aunty's place. Before I left the house, nonesense started again...he asked...can confirm if going or not. I say I won't know until later right?!?! He told me to find out as soon as possible. So I DID. When I met my fren, my first qn to her was like...eh...what time was she meeting her hubby. Oh she told me she meeting him n his frens for dinner, then after that mahjong at her place. She asked me to go along. But knowing R, I told Jo I can't. I will leave her when her hubby calls. So I smsed R that I am going to his aunt's place for dinner (that was around 2pm++). He sms me back OK. Then at 4-5pm, he called and ask me again..what time am I GOING. I was like..what the hell? Can't he just let me be. His reason, cos he must know whether must drive 1 or 2 cars! I was like...drive 2 cars lah...as if will make a difference! But I told him nicely i wasn't sure maybe 7 or 8pm but his tone on the HP wasn't very nice. U can imagine my "wonderful" day spoilt by him! Becos of HIM, I left my fren early at 6.30pm so I can get to his aunty's place by 7pm! I was nice enough to sms him that I was at TPY waiting for a bus but NO sms back. WTF! When he saw me, he just practically ignored me. I still tried to be nice...am I a fool? I guess I am.Sigh...today wasn't that bad. He tried to be "nice" but that's because he has his own plans. He got himself a new hp. I didn't nag. I kept quiet abt it. It's his $$, not mine. He wants to spend...go ahead. I dun wish to care much liao. I am just wondering how much more does GOD want me to take. I blame him partially for giving me such a path but then again I blame it partially on the baby hormones (not the baby...but the hormones). Just let me be strong at this moment and not fall weak. Count down another 6 days to a great holiday away from home....away from him. (Sounds bad eh...lol). **Hey C, C & P, thanks for all the smses, emails and msn chat from u all. I appreciate it. Dun worry too much about me...I will be fine. Just need to get thru this period on my own. I dun feel as bad as I did previously, much better now.
Thots of the DAY @
2:59 PM
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I think I am going to hit depression again soon. Starting to think of all the bad things that is happening around me. R isn't excited about the baby. I asked him in plainly..."Are you excited about the baby?"...his answer is plainly in simple english..what's there to be excited about? Will be excited only if the baby is born! This isn't the first time this has happened. In my last two pregnancy, it has been the same. With i1, I had to force R to attend all the gynea check ups with me...as I didn't want to feel so alone. I didn't have any sort of support...definately not from many friends (as most aren't married) and any family to turn to for help. I was lucky after that I found a group of mummies that supported me thru the pregnancy.With i2, I told R not to even bother to attend since he wasn't that interested. With i3, sigh...when we went to the gyne to check on it's growth. On the screen, I can see it. I ask R to come closer to see...not once but 3 times. All he said is that he can see very well from where he was sitting which was behind the doctor's desk! Imagine how embaress I felt and how dejected. Then my 3rd and 4th checkup, I went w/o him. After my 4th checkup, when I got home...he didn't even bother to ask HOW. He plainly ignored me! Imagine how sad I felt.More...this portion is abit censored if you dun wish to read it. Just skip it.It has been more than 2 mths since he even touched me. He does help me with leg massage thought...that's all. In our entire marriage, I think 95% of the time, I am the one asking for IT. He doesn't bother unless I ask for IT. Do you know how shitty that feels like? It's like as if I am the one begging for IT! Sometimes I just dun understand...he can view porn sites, he can upload celebrities nude pics (he thinks I'm stupid...I'm not...I know what's he is doing....), he can do it himself....but not WITH ME. This brings about what happened during my 2nd pregnancy when I found a posting he made online. He posted that he tested A girl at XX location, B girl at YY location, etc. The comments were very detailed! I questioned him about it..all he said was...aiyah...it's only posting..just testing the forum. I was like...???? But still I con't to trust him for it. Then the biggest blow was when 3-4 mths after i2 was born...I saw smss that entails that he has been msgg this lady. He swears he never met her but there was 1 sms that states good to meet u. He immediately deleted that msgs...and from that day on...every single sms he sents out is permanently deleted. I mean if he isn't guilty...why do such thing?Money leh...same...he gets $700 -1k a month to spend but he can spend it all. But on what? He doesn't save much?!! I mean as a wife I have a limited. First, he doesn't tell me anything. Nothing on work or outside thingsSecond, no conversation unless I start talkingThird, no touching...like as if I am an alien. Sometimes I wonder is it me or is it him. 90% of the time I feel that I ain't good enough for him. I pay part of the bills, clear the car loan, plan for holidays, plan for the kids, search for reno, read up on reno, settle HDB, etc....what does he do? Can't he just be a husband to his wife?Four, told him many times that I dun need gifts on my b'day or anything. A simple rose will do. But wat he does...but a silly thing (e.g. this birthday he bought a heart shaped box...which is now sitting permanently in the box on the study table...what use do I have for IT!)..he just con't to do so.Five, etcAgain, I am complaining too much. Someone close to me says...it must be because I nag at him too much. But man, if I dun say anything, he doesn't DO A SINGLE thing! All he does everyday is...(a) work (b) come home watch TV (c) play game n sometimes with kids (d) maybe bring kids go doc or kumon class...other than that...u tell me what he does?!?!?!If he can even take over 100% of what I do and I take over what he does...will I be happy? Answer truthfully, NO! Why? Simply because he doesn't have the compentence to do it. He won't bother. He simple DOESN'T bother about ANYTHING. He tells me work is stress...I can see he is stress...but doesn't mean that I ain't stress about my own work. Till now he doesn't understand what I deal with, neither does my in-laws n parents. I dun just deal with simple contracts which is like few thousand dollars...I can be dealing with contracts in Singapore that is worth $50million++ or even the latest one which is $800million+++. You think that's not stressful?!?!?!If he lose his job...what happens? Nothing much cos he still go me to handle things. If I lose my job, is he capable of taking care of my parents? our expenses? our future? Truthfully...NO way! Damn...I got to rush for a meeting. Getting a migraine..but then again, I feel abit better rattling out.
Thots of the DAY @
9:28 AM
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Recently I have been playing facebook, but particularly the game Warbook. It's rather simple...bascially conquering land, building mines, building soldiers, etc. It's kinda simple fun. Of course, joining an alliance help me so much too. Issue is, am I getting obsess with warbook. I dun know. Sigh...maybe my mind is at another place. There are things going on that is making me feel "fan". I can't state it here as I know afew pple are reading this and it's not nice to read it from a blog. Just say that I dun feel good thinking about it and worrying about it. Trying to tell myself that what's over is over...why think? Easy for a person to say, hard for a person to do.It's like I start thinking about my past. What was done...whether I could make it right or what if I had chosen another path...would things turn out better or worse. I seem to not hear what I preach myself where I often tell people...God has given us a path, our path has already been written out for us...just accept it and let it flow...going against what has been given us means non-acceptance. Any sense?Oh, forgot to mention. Wendy's wedding went beautifully. Food was great, service at the hotel was great...seriously good. Old poly frens were great company too. Again, if Wendy you read this...I congratuate you on a wonderful wedding. I hope it's what u have always wanted and wish for and may life be smooth sailing after that. =)Another thing, I started my 13th week. It's my last week of my 1st trimester. Going to month 4 next Friday. Current weight 46.3kg. Pimples are popping due to lack of sleep and too much thinking. Still eating my meals...no worries...just forcing food down. *sigh...I wish I was less troubled, wish I am not a person that think too much...hope as time passes...the tots will perish.
Thots of the DAY @
10:50 AM
Friday, October 12, 2007
As of 10.37pm, I weight 46.3kg (home machine). Maybe the fact the clothes I wear is very light (it is really light...thin and coooooooolllllllllll). Now i feel damn hungry.My weight has been in yo-yo. However, I do eat, I really do. E.g. Morning I will be eating 2 slice of bread. Afternoon, normal lunch. Tea, 2 slice of bread. Dinner, normal dinner. Sometimes slightly more for breakie and slightly more for tea. =P Over-eating. But I know for sure that I cannot take instant campbell soup...I can put on 1kg at a go! Weird. But this baby likes KFC.Oh..other thing. I am getting hook on facebook. Not facebook actually, it's the application "warbook". It's fun! Also maybe cause now I have an alliance who helps me when I get attack and they answer my questions patiently...hence letting me learn a couple of things. Which is GOOD. At least now, I will slowly build my army and fight. HeeheeOkay need to sleep soon. Promise myself to knock out at 11pm! Nitz!
Thots of the DAY @
10:33 PM
Monday, October 8, 2007
I know I know...seems like I am getting lazy in updating my blog. I admit, I am! I am lazy...see! I admited it.Feeling tired everyday. Feel like puking. Today I tried puking in the office but failed! Can u believe it? Try puking and fail...sigh...I think I am the only soul that can have this happen to her. The morning sickness is bad...problem is that I can't puke. I can't manage to puke out anything. Mind u..it's not like I didn't eat anything...I eat but still....nothing comes out. I "pei fu" those mummies who can tahan the morning sickness cos I can't! Okay okay...i am complaining as usual but it's bad. R can see how bad my face look everyday when he pick me up from the bus stop....it's BAD!I just ate a slice of plain bread down but it's not helping. Sigh. Sometimes I wish my work hours finish earlier but then again...why complain? As long as I have a job, I should be happy! Yeah...be happy! =)Oh...1 good news that happen last month. R has an "increment". The company decided to "increase" the employees' salaries to match the market value but then again...to me, it's not the market value but then again...better than NOTHING. Plus it's consider quite a good increase which means R is gonna spend more. But then being practical me...I already neg a bigger sum to be inputted into the joint a/c and of course, I have to match the amount. Ah well, consider it as saving for our future. Our Reno ID confirms that by end of Oct everything will be done. He is pretty okay. He does everything, we also chin chai...let it be. We are the fussless people. (Is there such a word as fussless?!?!?!) Now the only thing left are: 1) Kitchen cabinets + hob + hood 2) Wardrobes 3) Installing of toiletries 4) Curtains 5) Furniture 6) and of course a couple of misc items. Still budgetting at $15k for everything. Still owe my FIL $3.2k but then who is complaining when he hasn't bug us for money...we will repay him probably next following month after our pay cheque comes in. I dun wish to withdraw from FSM because of the hassle of calculating..blah blah.
Thots of the DAY @
4:29 PM
Monday, October 1, 2007
Okay okay, I am thinking of food..nothing but food. Kuay Chap, Soya bean, korean BBQ...and still thinking of my tanjong pagar's ipoh HOR FUN. Slurp slurp...HUNGRY!Just last week my weight dropped quite abit. As of this morning, it hit a low of 46.2kg (which might equal to 45.6kg on my gyne's machine). It's a 1kg drop. Mind you, I am still eating my normal meals and more...but this baby...sigh..is damn choosy with food. Just on friday, the soup that the maid cooked, I took 1 sip and went straight to the sink to spit it out. Yesterday I tried the Green Tea soya milk, same problem...1 sip and I had to spit it out. Well, hope things become better later.I am craving for Korean BBQ. Maybe later I go SK...the food court and buy for my tea break?!?! or dinner??? I think I need to stop thinking of saving so much money. Food must eat...but sometimes it's not abt the $$. Sometimes, around my area also dun have the food! Haiz. I feeling sianz. Later better to go search for a thermal pot. Hope can find one with reasonable price...maybe can buy. Maybe can go NTUC/Cold storage look for food. Maybe can stir fry something to bring office tomolo. I getting sick of outside food.Yawn...the more I think...the more hungry I am getting...the more I feel tired. I hope not to fall asleep in the afternoon...if not, can't sleep at night. And that's not a good thing. I predict I will spend at least $50 today. Well, I deserve to spend abit. =)
Thots of the DAY @
11:10 AM
